I’ve had so much heck out of everyone, lately. It seems they all want to destroy the one thing, I have left of me. My self esteem, is just about gone, and I’m loosing the person, I am on the inside. I just don’t understand how people can be so cruel and mean to the one person who has their best interests in mind. Why do they feel threatened by me? I only want good for them. I just can’t get past the threat that they will destroy, the relationship I have. It gets to the point I don’t know where to turn. When I do turn to someone for help, they just brush it off as if I’m ungrateful.
Ungrateful, for what? I have the other people coming in between me and the one I care for and that person lets them. It’s as if I’m being used as a “means to an end”. This means that I must supply, the things they need to survive and get by. During this episode, I find myself lacking in the needs for my survival. My emotional person, is getting beat up, with all the insults, these people issue to maintain control over me.
If I think that is bad, just wait until one of them gets mad at me. I really have to watch out for my mental safety. It’s like fighting a loosing battle, that has no end. These people are bottomless pits, when it comes to needs. I know there will never be a change as long as the person, I care for keeps enabling them. Standing up for myself never accomplishes a thing. It only adds fuel to the flame, that already has plenty of embers and hot coals.
Extrication, seems to be the only thing, to save my soul from a slow inner death. I can get away, only to find the loneliness that follows. This too will hound me as I try to get past the hurt, that is so embedded in my being. I have finally turned the hurt into, bitter hate, and this is helping me to rid, the inner pain. I now strike out at these people, with the same disrespect, they have piled upon me, for so long. It won’t be long until, I will find a way to get out of this mess and never return.
While they revel in their comfort of my demise, I’m plotting my escape. I need only a few minutes and a good diversion to make my escape. Finally, the moment arrives and out the door I go. Not stopping for one second to take a breath, I jump into the car. Away I go, to shelter and support for my torn heart.
Now, is the hard part. Making my heart stay away from the pain and pushing myself to take a step forward, instead of backward. I know “backward”, I’ve done it so many times, out of loneliness. This time must be different, what do I have to gain if I go back? Not one good thing. That has been what I refused to believe all these times. I always hoped that things would be different. I was more in love with “love” than I was with me.
Taking the first step to freedom, is important. To daily take a forward step, keeps me going and aids in my recovery of the inner me. I keep finding little bits of me coming back with each day of freedom. Ah yes, these were some the difficult times. You notice I say “were”.
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