Loosing........

So many times in a person’s life many forms of grief many to take the strength out of one’s daily course of life. It may come in the form of losing a job, losing a friend to a difference of opinion, losing a husband to another woman and all too gripping death of a loved one. I’ve seem to hit on everyone one I’ve mentioned so far. Losing jobs was a real custom down through the years. Most of the time it was my own fault. A few times it was low performance or too many circumstances that developed in my life. Have you ever thought there was a black cloud over your head? Well, it seemed that way so often, I wondered if I could ever accomplish a thing that would be stable. As of today, I am still finding that life just keeps dealing out some many defeats. It’s really possible to get into a rut of doing the wrong things rather that over coming the defeat and building steps to climb out of it. I’ve lost many acquaintances to careless words and opinions. Believe me I can be rather harsh all too often. I feel it’s my duty to tell a person, what’s wrong with them, their life, their actions and men they seem to care about. God, knows why. I feel there’s so much information in my head that people need to know. I hope that some of it will help them, get over the problem they have and cause insight into their situations. The problem is they mostly want you to listen to them and sympathize with them. They want to whine on your shoulder and have a confidant to pal with. A crutch in other words. I seem to loose many people that way and wonder what could I have possibly done wrong. It bothers me to think that this one would have been a good chum to hang out with. This is a well experienced subject. Loosing to another woman. I’ve gone from loosing the guy to the next girl, who showed up to down right loosing to a competitor. Loosing to the next girl that showed up, was easy since I really hadn’t developed a close relationship with the man. But loosing to a competitor was rough on my ego. Feeling like a whipped puppy wasn’t a good thing. Now, as I look back they did me a favor, but at the time it was happening, I couldn’t figure out what they had that I didn’t. I had always thought that I could get a guy and have him wrapped around my finger. Well, a rude awakening made me change my opinion of my abilities. Still the man I really loved left me, after I told him, I couldn’t put up with the abuse of me or our children. I went through a real hard time of cutting myself from the hold he had on me. Having to go on because I had children, was what seem to help with the daily efforts. Working two jobs help too. Boy, did I feel lost. Here I was stuck with responsibilities,feeling alone. I didn’t have him around, to just at least be there, whether good or bad. I wasn’t part of a couple and felt like a outcast when visiting friends at their get to gathers. I was a mess. Then there’s the death of a loved one. Devastating can’t describe how you feel. I went numb as if I was watching someone else going through it. I walked around as if I was floating outside the situation. I listened to people’s condolences but they all sounded the same. I felt they were mouthing the words, but didn’t really mean a word they said. I just wanted to get away from it all. Maybe if I did, it would all change and get better. I lost my appetite, time seem to stand still and I had a hard time just getting up and walking to another room. Everywhere, was thing’s of theirs. The chair they sat in to watch TV. Their clothes, shoes, toys. I found the strength to help make the arrangements and go to the funeral and graveside services. Then even worse things started. Here came to extended family, wanting what they could get. I just wanted to be left alone for a few days, then I would work with them. That wasn’t going to happen. So, I packed a few things and went to my son’s and stayed for a few weeks, until they had gotten what they thought they were happy with. I came back to see what was left and was surprised to see, that most of my original things were still there. I moved them and gave up the house to his children and let them do what they wanted. Thank God I got a job, this was the move that sent me forward into a new life